Wednesday 1/10/2025
Photo: Katarina Wolnik Vera
Text: Sarah Valls
The term people-pleasing refers to the constant need to please others and to base one’s self-worth on external approval (Khan & Peters, 2025).
Although wanting to be kind or helpful to others is natural and positive, when your well-being depends exclusively on external validation, certain difficulties may arise: low self-esteem, anxiety, difficulty setting boundaries, and inauthentic relationships.
Why does this happen?
People-pleasing usually emerges as a form of protection, helping us avoid conflict, rejection, or disapproval. However, what at first seems helpful, in the long term weakens self-esteem and may lead us to live more for others than for ourselves. We adapt so much to others that we end up forgetting who we are.
Research has shown that there is a strong link between self-esteem and the quality of social relationships:
- Low self-esteem can lead to less satisfying relationships.
- Unhealthy relationships can worsen self-esteem (Harris & Orth, 2019; De Moor et al., 2021; Erol & Orth, 2016).
In the case of people who tend toward people-pleasing, this cycle becomes self-perpetuating: the more they seek to please, the harder it becomes to build genuine connections, and the emptier their relationships feel, the more they seek approval (Khan & Peters, 2025; Erol & Orth, 2016).
What consequences can it have?
Some signs that people-pleasing may be affecting your life include:
- Difficulty saying no, leading to overload.
- Believing that disappointing someone is a “personal failure.”
- Personal confusion: not being clear on what you want, your tastes, or your needs, because you tend to prioritize what others expect of you without asking if it fits with who you are.
- Feeling anxious or excessively uncomfortable when you think someone might be upset with you.
- Relationships that feel superficial, because you hide parts of yourself so as not to “bother” others.
What can you do to start improving?
Breaking this pattern does not mean you stop being kind or considerate. It means learning to care for yourself at the same level that you care for others.Some strategies that can help you foster self-care include:
Start with small boundaries
You don’t need to change everything at once or make radical shifts. Setting boundaries is a gradual process that requires practice and confidence, and it’s normal to feel some discomfort at first. That’s why it’s best to start slowly, in less challenging situations or with people you feel safer with.
For example, you might begin by saying no to a plan when you’re tired, expressing your preference in a group (“I’d rather choose this option”), or setting aside some time just for yourself. With each small step, you’ll notice that setting boundaries doesn’t break relationships, it makes them clearer and more authentic.
Value what you do with compassion
You don’t need to wait for others to recognize your achievements in order to give them value. You can begin to recognize them yourself. A simple way is to make a list of what you have accomplished, whether big or small: a daily effort, a completed goal, or even overcoming an obstacle that once seemed impossible.
Congratulating yourself for these achievements, for your dedication, and for the path you’ve taken helps you become more aware of your worth. Writing them down and seeing them clearly strengthens self-confidence and cultivates healthier, more solid self-esteem.
Listen to your own needs
Ask yourself a simple question: Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I’m afraid of disappointing someone?
This small reflection exercise can make a big difference. It allows you to see whether you are acting from genuine desire or from fear of rejection. When you decide based on what you truly want, you feel more comfortable with yourself, more aligned with your values and your way of being. This strengthens personal confidence, supports self-care, and helps you live more authentically and consistently.
Explore your identity, what you enjoy, and what makes you unique
Your value does not depend on what others think of you. To strengthen self-esteem, it’s essential to dedicate time to self-discovery: finding out what you enjoy and what makes you feel good. This includes exploring both what brings you well-being and what makes you uncomfortable or doesn’t fit with you.
By connecting with your tastes, interests, and needs, you reinforce your personal identity and develop greater self-awareness. In this way, you can live more authentically and in harmony with yourself, making decisions that truly reflect who you are.
References:
- Khan, Z., & Peters, A. (2025). Impact of Engagement in People-Pleasing Behaviour and Negative Feedback on Self-Esteem. Empowering Holistic Development. https://doi.org/10.51767/ic250453
- Harris, M., & Orth, U. (2019). The link between self-esteem and social relationships: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000265
- De Moor, E., Denissen, J., Emons, W., Bleidorn, W., Luhmann, M., Orth, U., & Chung, J. (2021). Self-esteem and satisfaction with social relationships across time. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 120(1), 173–191. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000379