Wednesday 10/12/2025
Photo: Katarina Wolnik Vera
Text: Irina Callau y Txabi Anastasio
Relationships are one of the places where we grow the most, but also where we can be hurt the most. When a person has lived through traumatic experiences—violence, abandonment, emotional neglect, harmful relational dynamics, or even highly stressful breakups—connections stop feeling safe. Emotional closeness can trigger fear, distrust, or a sense of losing one’s own control.
Rebuilding a bond after trauma does not mean “going back to how things were,” but rather creating a way of relating that allows for closeness without losing one’s own center. Current science shows us that the restoration of internal and relational safety is a possible process, and that certain psychological mechanisms can facilitate it (Schore, 2021; Herman, 2022).
How trauma affects the way we form bonds
Interpersonal trauma changes the way we interpret signals from others and from our own body. It can cause:
-
Closeness to feel threatening, even when we rationally know the relationship is safe.
-
Personal boundaries to become blurred, out of fear of losing the other person.
-
Avoidant patterns to appear, such as distancing, hyper-independence, or difficulty asking for help.
-
Intense physiological responses to activate, such as hypervigilance, freeze, or bodily disconnection.
This happens because, after trauma, the nervous system learns to prioritize survival over connection. A person may long for a stable bond, but their body continues to react as if they were in danger (van der Kolk, 2014).
The role of the body in relational safety
Attachment neuroscience has shown that the body is the first thermometer of safety, even before we can put words to what we feel. The Social Engagement System model (Porges, 2011) explains that:
-
Physiological calm facilitates emotional connection.
-
Activation —even mild— can be interpreted as a threat.
-
Bodily disconnection (dissociation) interferes with the ability to feel boundaries and desires.
This is why many people describe that they “want to trust,” but their body “won’t let them.” Bodily reactions are not a failure, but signals from a system that is trying to protect itself.
The paradox of relational trauma: wanting to connect and fearing it
People who have experienced trauma often oscillate between two basic needs:
-
Protecting themselves from harm
-
Connecting and feeling supported
This tension can lead to ambivalent behaviors: getting too close too quickly, withdrawing abruptly, overanalyzing signals, or staying in relationships where intensity is mistaken for intimacy.
Research on developmental trauma calls this a “loss of relational coherence” (Lyons-Ruth et al., 2006): when the body and mind do not share the same understanding of the relationship.
Recovering the ability to connect without losing yourself
Rebuilding trust does not start in relationships with others, but in the relationship with oneself. Below are evidence-based practices that help navigate this process.
1. Reconnect with your internal experience
Learning to notice bodily and emotional signals —without judgment— is a central step. Body awareness helps differentiate:
-
Real fear vs. learned fear
-
Personal boundaries vs. automatic reactions
-
Need for closeness vs. need for protection
Recent studies show that strengthening interoception improves emotional regulation and reduces relational reactivity (Price & Hooven, 2018).
2. Set boundaries as a form of self-care
After trauma, setting boundaries can feel selfish or risky. However, research indicates that clear boundaries strengthen identity and allow for safer relationships (Gordon & Baucom, 2023).
Boundaries are not walls, but internal agreements about:
-
What you are willing to tolerate
-
What you need to feel safe
-
What pace allows you to open up without overextending
Practical tip: Write a “mini boundary code” for important relationships: 2–3 basic rules that protect your well-being, and communicate them calmly and firmly.
3. Regulate physiological activation in the presence of others
Relational safety is not just psychological; it is also physiological. Body-based interventions —such as vagal breathing, grounding, or mindful movement— help reduce hyperarousal, facilitating more stable connection (Ogden & Fisher, 2015).
Practical tip: The “10% safety” technique: identify a small sign of bodily well-being (a longer exhale, a foot firmly on the ground, a relaxed shoulder) before approaching someone emotionally. That 10% is enough to start.
4. View relationships from the present, not the past
In relational trauma, the body tends to react to cues that remind it of the past. It is not voluntary; it is automatic.
Practicing temporal differentiation helps distinguish:
-
What is happening now
-
From what happened before
Trauma-processing therapies —such as EMDR or Sensorimotor Therapy— show that this differentiation reduces emotional intensity and allows freer responses (Herman, 2022).
Practical tip: Temporal reframing: when you feel fear or tension, remind yourself: “This is the present, not the past.”
5. Create relationships that respect your internal pace
The most restorative relationships are not those that “heal the trauma,” but those that allow the person to show themselves at their own pace. This can include:
-
Relationships where asking for space is safe
-
Bonds where bodily experience is validated
-
Conversations where complex emotions are welcomed
-
Partners or friends who do not force openness
The goal is not to “trust without fear,” but to trust with awareness, without losing touch with your own identity.
The Identity Dimension: Trusting as an Expat
For those living outside their home country, rebuilding connections can be especially challenging. The absence of a support network, cultural differences, and the feeling of not belonging all affect the adult attachment system.
Research shows that relational stability is strengthened when a person develops an internal sense of home, even if their external environment changes (Ryder et al., 2021).
This includes:
-
Reconnecting with the body as a place of refuge
-
Maintaining chosen relationships, not just inherited ones
-
Creating routines that stabilize the nervous system
-
Seeking relationships where cultural sensitivity exists
Final Reflection
Rebuilding connections after trauma is not about “trusting as if nothing happened.” It is about trusting from a different place, where internal safety and connection with the body guide the rhythm of the relationship.
Trauma does affect relationships, yes. But it can also open the door to building more conscious, respectful relationships that align with who you are today. If you would like support in this process, at Proyecto ART we work by integrating body, emotion, and connection to help you regain a sense of safety without losing yourself along the way.
References:
- Gordon, K. C., & Baucom, B. R. (2023). Relationship maintenance and repairing trust after betrayal. Current Opinion in Psychology, 49, 101532. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101532
- Herman, J. L. (2022). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror (Updated ed.). Basic Books.
- Lyons-Ruth, K., Bureau, J. F., Holmes, B., & Easterbrooks, M. A. (2006). Borderline symptoms and suicidality/self-injury in late adolescence: The role of attachment disorganization. Development and Psychopathology, 18(2), 419–432. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579406060227
- Ogden, P., & Fisher, J. (2015). Sensorimotor psychotherapy: Interventions for trauma and attachment. W. W. Norton.
- Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.
- Price, C. J., & Hooven, C. (2018). Interoceptive awareness skills for emotion regulation: Theory and approach of Mindful Awareness in Body-Oriented Therapy. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 798. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00798
- Ryder, A. G., Alden, L., & Paulhus, D. L. (2021). Culture and the self: Implications for mental health and interpersonal functioning. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 17, 233–260. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-081219-102110
- Schore, A. N. (2021). Right brain psychotherapy. W. W. Norton.
- Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.