Wednesday 29/10/2025
Photo: Katarina Wolnik Vera
Text: Sara Valls
Have you ever felt pain over the loss of a connection that never became a formal relationship?
Have you caught yourself thinking you don’t have the “right” to feel sad because it never really began?
These experiences, often called “almost relationships” are increasingly common. They are brief, intense, or full of potential connections that, for various reasons, never take shape. Although society tends to minimize them, their loss can trigger genuine grief, bringing feelings of sadness, confusion, and even shame.
Where does this tendency to avoid formal relationships come from?
Modern society has profoundly transformed the way we relate and form connections, a phenomenon that Zygmunt Bauman (2003) described in his work Liquid Love: On the Frailty of Human Bonds. Bauman explains that, unlike previous generations characterized by “solid,” stable relationships, today’s bonds are more fragile and unstable. Relationships that once tended to be lasting and oriented toward commitment and permanence have become more “liquid”: adaptable, but also fleeting and fragile.
We want to feel connected, yet we also want to be able to let go quickly if the connection becomes uncomfortable or if we fear the pain that might accompany deeper commitment. The result is a way of relating marked by immediacy and fear of permanence, where many relationships remain suspended in an in-between space, not fully present, but not nonexistent either.
From this dynamic emerges the concept of the “almost relationships” that were established but never formalized, making it harder, both socially and personally, to process the impact they can have.
Why does something that never existed hurt so much?
According to affective neuroscience, Helen Fisher (2004) explains that the human brain is wired to form attachment bonds, activating neurochemical systems linked to desire, motivation, and reward. When we imagine a possible relationship, these neural circuits respond much as they would if the connection were real.
That’s why, when the connection is interrupted or never realized, the brain interprets the loss as an authentic emotional rupture. Dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin stop being released with the same intensity, creating sensations of emptiness, anxiety, or sadness. In other words, even if the relationship never truly happened, the attachment was real to our brain.
The role of attachment and the need for connection
From the perspective of attachment theory, John Bowlby (1988) emphasized that every person needs secure emotional bonds to develop and feel protected. These connections are not limited to childhood; in adulthood, we continue to seek figures who provide a safe base from which to explore the world and ourselves.
When an “almost something” ends, it’s not only the person who disappears but also the sense of safety we had begun to build around that connection. The grief, therefore, is not only for the other person but also for the version of ourselves that emerged within that bond.
Healing the grief for what never was
Recognizing the legitimacy of this kind of grief is the first step toward healing it. Even if the relationship never took shape, the emotions involved were real. Healing means:
- Accepting that the connection had personal meaning.
- Distinguishing between the real bond and the projection or desire.
- Allowing yourself to feel and process the loss without minimizing it.
References:
- Bauman, Z. (2003). Amor líquido: Acerca de la fragilidad de los vínculos humanos.
- Fisher, H. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.