Wednesday 28/10/2020
IMAGE: Sergio Marín Gómez
Text: Alejandra Misiolek Marín
Mentalization as the basis of healthy social and personal relationships
It is 7.00 a.m. on Monday morning. Ana is getting dressed to leave for work, she looks at herself in the mirror and doesn´t like the way she looks, “I’ve put on weight, I’m useless! How am I going to find the partner of my dreams if I look disgusting!” Having said that, she remembers that Juan hasn’t answered to the Whatsapp she sent him last night, she looks at her cell phone, “he’s left me without an answer, this means he doesn’t care about me at all. I’m sure he’s dating someone else. Of course, how can he like me if I’m disgusting!”
Suddenly she looks at her watch, “oops, it’s already 7.30, I’m going to be late for work.” She rushes out of the house to catch the bus and sees that it has just passed. “Shit, as usual, that’s how drivers are, he just passed, he saw me running and didn’t want to stop, how selfish all drivers are!” Ana looks at her cell phone to check what time the next bus leaves and realizes that it’s Friday 13th. “Of course, I already knew something bad was going to happen to me today, it’s Friday 13th!”
Finally, it’s 8:30, Ana arrives at work half an hour late. She bumps into her boss and assumes, basing on the look on his face and tone of voice as he greets her, that he is angry with her for being late. “Wow he’s mad at me for being late, I’m sure I’m going to get fired.”
This vignette may be a story told by a patient in psychotherapy, you may identify with parts of it, or it may seem like a fairly realistic situation from everyday life.
In fact, many people would identify with various elements of this story because it is taking place on a Monday morning at 7 a.m., the time of day when many of us lose the ability to mentalize.
What is the ability to mentalize?
It is the ability to see ourselves from the outside and others from the inside. Mentalizing includes awareness of the mental states (of feelings and thoughts) of oneself and others, especially when we are trying to explain behavior (why someone did something, their intentions).
Mentalization, therefore, is the basis for a sense of self, constructive social interaction, mutuality in relationships and a feeling of personal security. It is a very useful skill or tool both in everyday life and in psychotherapy.
Because mentalization is so important, losing it brings many problems. It is, for example, the basis of many mental disorders and many failed social interactions.
I am going to tell the same story of Ana, with all the mentalization failures “corrected”.
It is 7:00 a.m. on Monday morning. Ana is getting dressed to leave for work, she looks at herself in the mirror and doesn´t like the way she looks, “I’ve put on weight, I’m useless! How am I going to find the partner of my dreams if I look disgusting! Well, it’s normal, this weekend we’ve eaten a lot. I’m going to put on another pair of pants that won’t be so tight.”
That said, she remembered that Juan has not answered to the Whatsapp she sent him last night, she looks at her cell phone,“he’s left me without an answer, this means he doesn’t care about me at all. I’m sure he’s dating someone else. Of course, how can he like me if I’m disgusting!” “Juan hasn’t answered my message yet, what a shame, I would have liked to see his message when I woke up. But well, maybe he hasn’t seen it or he’s still sleeping or he’s in a hurry this morning. If he doesn’t answer, I’ll write to him again in case he hasn’t seen it.”
Suddenly he looks at the clock, “oops, it’s already 7:30, I’m going to be late for work. I’m going to hurry because I might be late today.”
He rushes out of the house to catch the bus and sees that it has just passed. Shit, as usual, that’s how drivers are, he just passed, he saw me running and didn’t want to stop. How selfish all drivers are! “Shit, I missed it. What a pity that the driver didn’t see me or didn’t want to stop. Why is that? Is it because you can’t stop here? Or maybe he was absent-minded this morning? Maybe he’s a selfish driver? Well, who cares, the next one will come along.”
Ana looks at her cell phone to check what time the next bus leaves and realizes that it is Friday 13th. Of course, I knew something bad was going to happen to me today, it’s Friday13th! She probably doesn’t even realize it’s Friday 13th, but if she does, it doesn’t matter. She might smile and think, “what a coincidence!”
Finally, it’s 8:30, Ana arrives at work half an hour late. She bumps into her boss and assumes, basing on the look on his face and tone of voice when he greets her, that he is angry with her for being late. Wow, he’s mad at me for being late, I’m sure I’m going to get fired. He greets her and it seems to Ana that he has an angry look on his face. It crosses her mind that he might have been annoyed that she was late. But then she thinks that she is never late and that it really doesn’t matter much because there was no important meeting and the boss knows that she is responsible. So she assumes that if it bothers the boss, he’ll tell her. And about his face, well he may have looked like it or maybe the boss also had a very stressful Monday morning and it’s because of his own personal issues.
These are the same stories but experienced in very different ways. As we can imagine, the first story and Ana’s interpretations of her own and others’ mental states generate a lot of stress and discomfort. They can lead to misinterpretations and misunderstandings and, as a consequence, to behaviors that are not constructive. However, the second story introduces other, much less rigid and generalized ways of interpreting mental states, with attitudes of genuine curiosity, of flexible exploration, of awareness that the minds of others are opaque to us, that things are not black and white, that if something crosses our minds it does not have to be true and without a catastrophic and distrustful vision of the world around us. This second story is clearly an example of good mentalization.
In the next post I will describe how we can use mentalization as a tool for emotional processing and good communication.
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