Wednesday 9/10/2024
PHOTO: Katarina Wolnik Vera
TEXT: María Sabaté and Lina Camacho
Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, from differences in decision-making to misunderstandings about responsibilities. Couples face constant challenges. However, beyond the issue itself, what truly defines a relationship is how communication is handled during those difficult moments. The key is not to avoid conflicts but to know how to communicate when they arise.
How to talk to your partner about what bothers you?
When we talk about communication in a relationship, we are not only referring to what is said, but also how it is said. In general, we can divide communication into two broad approaches: opposition and cooperation, and each of these can be either direct or indirect.
- Direct opposition involves pointing out the problem clearly and bluntly, sometimes with criticism or by directly blaming the other person.
- Indirect opposition, instead of addressing the problem directly, aims to make the other person feel guilty or implies that something is wrong without saying it directly.
- Direct cooperation focuses on speaking openly and collaboratively, trying to resolve the conflict together through dialogue and reasoning.
- Indirect cooperation refers to using affection or kind words to soften the conflict, without directly addressing the problems, but aiming to maintain harmony through emotional support.
When is it most effective to use different types of communication in your relationship?
What’s interesting about these approaches is that none are universally good or bad. The impact of each depends on the context, that is, the type of problem and the situation the couple is in. Here are some examples of how each approach can be useful or harmful:
- Direct opposition: Although it may seem confrontational, sometimes it’s necessary when there are serious issues that cannot be ignored. Being direct can motivate your partner to change, but if the problem is small, this approach may seem too aggressive or unnecessary.
- Indirect opposition: This approach is usually less effective. While it may temporarily ease emotional discomfort, it doesn’t address the root of the problem, which often leads to conflicts being left unresolved and accumulating over time, generating resentment if used frequently.
- Direct cooperation: In many cases, this is the healthiest approach. Speaking openly, seeking solutions together, not only helps resolve the conflict but also strengthens the bond between both partners.
- Indirect cooperation: Sometimes it’s necessary to soften conflicts with affection and validation, especially when the problem has no immediate solution or when one partner is particularly sensitive. However, this approach can be problematic if used to avoid addressing important issues. In situations where change is necessary, avoiding conflict can lead to accumulated frustration and stagnation in the relationship.
Communication in a relationship is not perfect, nor does it have to be…
No type of communication is perfect for all situations. What may be effective for a couple in a given moment can be harmful in another. Everything depends on the context. The key to effective communication during conflicts is not to follow a rigid approach but to adapt to the circumstances. Couples who are able to adjust their communication style according to the type of problem and the context tend to have healthier and happier relationships. Not all conflicts need to be resolved with direct confrontation, but neither should they be constantly avoided. Knowing when to confront and when to soften is the skill that allows couples to transform disagreements into growth opportunities.
References:
- Overall NC, McNulty JK. What Type of Communication during Conflict is Beneficial for Intimate Relationships? Curr Opin Psychol. 2017 Feb;13:1-5. doi: 10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002. PMID: 28025652; PMCID: PMC5181851.