Wednesday 23/09/2026
Photo: Katarina Wolnik Vera
Text: Alejandra Misiolek in collaboration with Daniella Espidel
We talk a great deal about self-esteem, but sometimes reduce it to an overly simple idea: “loving yourself more.” As though repeating positive affirmations, improving your image, or becoming independent of other people’s opinions were enough. Yet self-esteem is not built in a vacuum. It develops through relationships, the messages we receive, experiences of acceptance or rejection, and whether we are allowed to be seen as we are.
For many people, self-esteem is not damaged by one traumatic event but by small, repeated experiences: jokes that hurt, family silences, comments about how you “should” be, relationships in which every word must be measured, or settings where part of you seems tolerated but never celebrated. Over time, the nervous system learns to anticipate danger. Living in expectation of rejection is exhausting.
Moniroty Stress: How the Environment Impacts Mental Health
For LGBTQ+ individuals or members of other sexual and gender minorities, mental health research consistently shows higher levels of anxiety, depression, and barriers to accessing adequate care. This doesn’t mean that identity itself is the problem. The problem is the added stress that comes with navigating discrimination, invisibility, stigma, or the fear of not being treated with respect.
This is commonly known as minority stress. It isn’t “being too sensitive.” It’s living with an extra burden of vigilance: Can I say this here? Will it be safe to show affection? Will I be judged if I share my story? Will this professional understand me? Will my family accept it? Will my partner and I be treated like any other couple?
Self-esteem, in this context, isn’t about becoming immune to everything. It’s about being able to develop an internal foundation secure enough so that you don’t organize your entire life around fear. And that foundation is strengthened much more easily when protective bonds exist: friendships where you don’t have to translate yourself, partners where there is respect, trained professionals, families that listen, and communities where your identity doesn’t require constant explanation.
When Adaptation Is Survival: The Role of Healthy Relationships
Relationships can repair wounds, but they can also deepen them. A healthy relationship is not one without conflict. It is one in which you do not have to disappear in order to be loved; where your boundaries are not treated as attacks, your history matters, and you can express a need without feeling that you are asking for too much.
People who have experienced rejection sometimes learn to adapt too much. They become highly skilled at reading a room, managing other people’s emotions, and avoiding discomfort. From the outside, this can look like maturity; on the inside, it may be survival. The therapeutic question is not only “Why is it hard for you to love yourself?” but also “In what settings did you learn that being yourself could come at a cost?”
Rebuilding Self-Esteem Through Context
That is why working on self-esteem requires something deeper than building confidence. It means examining the voices we have internalised, distinguishing guilt from responsibility, creating safe relationships, and learning not to bargain away our dignity in order to belong.
If you are part of a sexual or gender minority and have felt that your anxiety, self-criticism, or relationship difficulties are “just your problem,” it may be worth looking at them in context. Not to remain trapped in pain, but to stop blaming yourself for wounds that were formed in relationships.
Self-esteem does not mean always thinking well of yourself. It means being able to return to yourself even when the world has failed to see you clearly.
Key Takeaways
- Self-esteem is built through relationships, not only through individual thoughts.
- Minority stress can affect anxiety, relationships, and help-seeking.
- Identity is not the problem; stigma and lack of safety are.
- Healthy relationships allow us to exist without hiding.
- Seeking support from trained, affirming professionals can be a reparative experience.
References:
- Hall, W. J., Williams, D. Y., Xu, Y., Scott, M., Chiang, P.-C., Englert, A. R., Leite, J. A., Dawes, H. C., Richardson, S. C., & Srivastava, A. (2026). Mental health service experiences regarding sexual orientation: Relations with demographics, depression, and suicidality among queer adults. Psychological Services. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/ser0001009
- Lu, J. A., Soltani, S., Austin, S. B., Rehkopf, D. H., Lunn, M. R., & Langston, M. E. (2025). Mental health disparities by sexual orientation and gender identity in the All of Us Research Program. JAMA Network Open, 8(1), e2456264. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2024.56264
- Nath, R., Matthews, D. D., Hobaica, S., DeChants, J. P., Eden, T. M., Taylor, A. B., & Suffredini, K. (2026). 2025 U.S. National Survey on the Mental Health of LGBTQ+ Young People. The Trevor Project. https://doi.org/10.70226/EKGT3197